Welcome to the Eats Athletic Club. Contrary to what the name might imply, this is not where you come to work on those oversized deltoids (you should stop—you look ridiculous). This is a place where men discuss the pursuit of eating well, together.
Our first topic: The Napa Valley. If you've been, chances are you went with a lady. For your next visit, consider heading out with some companions who won't have you hustling back to the hotel room the whole time.

There's more to Napa than the French Laundry.

Mustards Grill
7399 Saint Helena Highway, Napa, 707.944.2424; mustardsgrill.com
No one wants to be that guy passed out in the back of a limo by 4 p.m. and Mustards's Mongolian pork chop is the best way to fill your tank before a full day of drinking. This glistening chop arrives soaked in a sweet soy-based marinade and Chinese-style mustard sauce atop a bed of mashed potatoes and sweet and sour red cabbage. And don't sweat it if pork isn't your thing. This is a menu of "Deluxe Truck Stop Classics," and there's something for everyone.
The Bounty Hunter
975 1st Street, Napa, 707-226-3976; bountyhunterwinebar.com
A wine bar that's also a BBQ restaurant? Such an establishment exists, and it's in downtown Napa. We love The Bounty Hunter for this unorthodox marriage of two of our favorite things. The beer can chicken shouldn't be missed, and the pulled pork sandwich and St. Louis style ribs are also excellent.
Gott's Roadside
933 Main Street, St. Helena, 707-963-3486; gottsroadside.com
Your move for a cheap and satisfying lunch. Gott's Roadside in St. Helena has upscale fast food...which means that if it comes on a bun, it's probably on the menu. Grab a table in the backyard park and enjoy some time away from the wine lingo you've been deciphering all day. The only nose notes you should smell here is that of a crisp California draft beer, of which they have a mighty selection. We highly recommend the double cheeseburger with pickles and special sauce on a toasted bun, which tastes a little bit like an In-N-Out burger. Also, make sure to get a side of chili spiced sweet potato fries.
Restaurant at Meadowood
900 Meadowood Lane, St. Helena, 707-963-3646; meadowood.com
If you're looking for a fine dining experience, you'll have no problem getting into the Restaurant at Meadowood, which we find just as enjoyable as French Laundry. Chef Christopher Kostow's modern and experimental cuisine is both adventurous and satisfying. And this shouldn't just be a visit for dinner. The Meadowood compound is set on acres of land in the St. Helena woods and has a golf course, tennis courts, hiking trails, and more. Tee off, shower up, and then enjoy a ridiculous meal.
Cook
1310 Main Street, St. Helena, 707-963-7088; cooksthelena.com
When the craving strikes for a plate of fresh pasta, head to Cook, a homey little Northern Italian joint nestled in between Downtown St. Helena's art galleries and design shops. It's open all day so you can saddle up to the bar whenever you're hungry and enjoy a time-out over a steaming bowl of homemade fettuccine with clams and chilies.

Auberge Bistro & Bar
180 Rutherford Hill Road, Rutherford, 707-963-1211; aubergebistro.com
Assuming you didn't just hit the lottery and don't have $1,800 a night to stay at the Auberge du Soleil hotel, you need to at least stop by for lunch. Make sure you get seated outside on the balcony overlooking the valley and pair a cocktail or a bloody mary with some pork belly-studded steamed clams and a side of fries. The low-key bistro and bar is the definition of Eats with a view.
Ad Hoc
6476 Washington Street, Yountville, (707) 944-2487; adhocrestaurant.com
A few blocks down the street from The French Laundry in Yountville, Keller's casual eatery has a fixed-price menu that changes daily, and it's affordable, too. Dinner for two with a bottle of wine can cost as little as $80 a person. That's a steal for a meal of this caliber, and it's also a perfect option for dinner with a group. It's a lively restaurant, and that pre-set menu means there's no arguing over what to order or dividing up the check.
Bouchon
6534 Washington Street, Yountville, (707) 944-8037; bouchonbistro.com
Here's how you tackle Bouchon. Roll up at lunch and order a ton of oysters and a jar of foie gras. Put back a bottle of Viognier and then wander back out into the daylight feeling like a king. Then nap.

Fire the tour guide and wade through Northern California's finest grapes on your own terms.

Robert Sinskey Vineyard
6320 Silverado Trail, Napa, 707-944-9090; robertsinskey.com
You'll see Sinskey's wines in restaurants all over the country. Visit the vineyard and do a quick sampling at the counter and find the one you like best. Buy a bottle (it'll cost you about $40) and then take it out to their patio to enjoy the sun and drink in peace. Sinskey's Pinot Noir and Abraxas Vin de Terroir are two of our favorite wines ever, and you'll look like a genius when you order one with conviction from the wine list next time you're on a date.
Joseph Phelps Vineyard
200 Taplin Road, St. Helena, 707-963-2745; jpvwines.com
Joseph Phelps produces one of the most well-known wines from the Napa Valley—their signature Insignia Cabernet blend—but the vineyard is tucked away in the mountains above Silverado Trail, on Napa Valley's less-traveled East side, so you won't be battling traffic to get a taste of it. There's no need to sit through a tasting affair that'll bring you back to high school Chem class; hang out with your crew on the comfortable patio that overlooks the valley, and refill your wine at your own leisurely pace—learning is strictly optional.

Napa lodging ain't cheap, but the amenities are worth the splurge.

Bardessono
6526 Yount Street, Yountville, 707-204-6000; bardessono.com
Out of every hotel we've stayed in, our favorite temporary domicile is the LEED certified, state of the art Bardessono in downtown Yountville. In every room, one button controls the lights, the shades, and the fireplace, Jetsons style. If the Masami Wagyu beef or Don Watson lamb on the room service menu doesn't fill you up, you're steps away from Yountville's main restaurant drag, meaning you can stumble home from Ad Hoc, Redd, Bouchon, Bottega, and The French Laundry without worrying about talking your way out of a DUI. It's pricey, but they often send out great deals to their e-mail list subscribers, so sign up and keep an eye out for offers. Our trips to Napa are planned around when we can get the best rate here.
Solage
755 Silverado Trail, Calistoga, 866-942-7442; www.solagecalistoga.com
Every room at the Solage is a small studio, and if you roll with a bunch of people, you can grab a block of rooms and essentially create your own dorm. Just like college, but without the black light posters and Bud Light cans. What more could you ask for? How about an insane pool area and Solbar, a Michelin-starred restaurant that has a killer breakfast and one of the better fish tacos we've ever tasted.
Napa River Inn
500 Main Street, Napa, 707-251-8500; napariverinn.com
Downtown Napa is on the up-and-up. It's changed a lot in the last five years and is in the middle of a growth spurt of new stores, restaurants, and bars. For a reasonably priced hotel option, check out the Napa River Inn. It's an historic hotel restored in 2000, and you can usually score a huge room here for a little over $250 a night.
oh, and one more thing...
For obvious reasons, Napa's vineyards are just as popular with raving mad groups of bachelorettes as they are with you and your buds. Yes, tipsy girls always makes for high quality entertainment, but just make sure you're not the one wearing the penis hat after a few glasses of wine.

Next Month: Austin, Texas joins The Eats Athletic Club.
Immaculate Infatuation is Andrew Steinthal and Chris Stang, a two-man restaurant reviewing tag team, with a blog, an app, and a sense of humor. They hate the word "foodie."